I think she may be right. Every post has been a bitch fest, hasn't it? So now I will talk about how positive my past two days have been.
Yeah. I got nothing.
Thursday was actually a good day, which turned into a shit evening, which then turned into a non event. It was also New Year's Eve. I had treatment during the day, during which they pinned me into a corner and encouraged me to talk. What's funny? Is that I did. I did talk. I didn't go ape shit like the rest of those fuckers and describe my life from when my mother first refused to breast feed me to the fucking present, but I let them ask me questions, and I answered them honestly.
Well, almost honestly. I couldn't give it all up at once, about the eating disorder, cuz they are not equipped for that and it's none of their fucking business anyway. But I was entirely honest about my drug and alcohol use, which is what I am there for, so I am happy with myself for opening my yap.
As some of you may recall, I was asked to leaved Ridiculously Overpriced Private Treatment Center two years ago, because I refused to talk. So this, my friends and enemies...this is big.
That evening, things turned a bit to shit, as I decided to apply the whole Honesty Will Get You Clean thing and talk to Bf a bit about my eating disorder.
Good Fuck. That didn't go down very well.
Turns out that maybe I consider Ed lingo to be common knowledge. When I told Bf that I was bingeing and purging...well, I honestly can't imagine what else he could have thought this could mean. But apparently he didn't think it meant...well, bingeing and purging. So when I told him Thursday night that I had had a bad day for food and had thrown up my lunch, his initial reaction was not good.
"What?" he exclaimed. "That's disgusting."
I stared at him for a moment, confused. Why was he acting like he didn't know? I had told him on Christmas Night, I thought that he understood.
Oh fucking fuck, here we go again.
His bandmates were here, so we didn't get a chance to talk it through, but the shame that was coursing through my veins was just toxic. I cried for another hour after he left to rehearse, so exhausted by my own self hatred and inability to escape my compulsive behaviors. But I decided that I was going to try and do something that they tell you to do when you're hurting, and I reached out for help. I texted one girl from the Eating Meeting, and then I texted my sponsor for AA. I wasn't going to do anything stupid like smack myself with heroin or ingest rat poison, but that wasn't the point, was it - the point was that I was hurting, and I needed to do something constructive about it.
So I did. And honestly? I did make me feel a bit better, though I was still too ashamed to look Bf in the eye when he came back upstairs.
He's such a poppet, though. Wrapping his arms around me in the kitchen, he looked me in the eyes and said, "You still like me, right?"
HE asked ME that. After discovering yet ANOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM WITH MY FUCKING BROKEN PSYCHE he asked me if he was still good enough.
I want so badly to get well for him, to show him that I can do it. And I honestly do feel like I am on my way. I just really want to show him NOW. After all that I have done to hurt him, I want to show him just how serious I am that I really want to change. But all I can do right now is keep putting one day after the other, to prove myself to him. I can't be impatient with this - I gotta do the fucking work.
And so yesterday, I got started. I had gone to an Eating Meeting on Wednesday night, and was reminded of the eating plan that they go by - 3 meals a day, no snacking, no sugar. This was not quite the right fit for me, so I adapted it to five half-meals a day, every three hours, no snacking but coffee, tea and water are okay. And yesterday, for the first time, I stuck to an eating plan.
It was hard. Normal people take for granted the simplicity in which they consume and digest their food. But because the foods that I had chosen were all foods that I normally eat and keep, and they were only half meals, so not too much food, I was comfortable with the food I had in my body. And three hours seems to be the perfect deadline - I am just starting to get hungry when it is time to eat again.
I did end up getting up again last night to eat one more time - my eating plan is based on my being awake for only 16 hours a day. By the time we went to bed last night, it had been three hours, and I couldn't sleep for the fucking hunger pains. So I got up and had something to eat, but just another thing that was on my safe list and then went back to bed.
And that, ladies, gentleman, dogs and cats, was my first day of TOTAL ABSTINENCE. From everything.
I even went to a meeting that night.
And now, I'm going to another one.