Put your drink down for a moment, BM, and listen to me very carefully. I have held my tongue while you verbally abused me for long enough. If you can dish it, you better be able to take it.
I AM NOT TRYING TO STEAL YOUR DAUGHTER. It was not MY decision to leave her here for FOUR out of the past FIVE WEEKS - it was YOURS. What do you expect your daughter to think when you can’t be assed to spend any time with her? YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS, YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNEDUCATED, WHITE TRASH WHORE, AND STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS. You are a vicious, mean-spirited, spoiled little brat BM, and YOU are the reason why you will always be ALONE. You seem to think that the world fucking owes you something, and expect everything to be done for you. You suck the life and joy out of anyone who comes into contact with you through your malicious, selfish, abhorrent behavior. There is a reason your daughter prefers to be here - your anger seeps out out of your every pore and orifice and poisons everyone and everything around you, INCLUDING YOUR DAUGHTER. YOU ARE THE ONE DAMAGING YOUR DAUGHTER, WITH YOUR UGLY, HATEFUL ACTIONS. You are constantly angry and acting like a fucking martyr, thinking everyone is screwing you over, nobody helps you and your life SO fucking hard. Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself, and take responsibility for your actions like the rest of us have to. YOU chose to leave your daughter here for four out of five weeks, NOT ME; YOU choose to be a dancer; YOU chose to treat everyone like shit and then have to travel to work because nobody wants you here; YOU choose to treat everyone in your life like they exist merely to service your every fucking desire, and then wonder why no one can stand to be anywhere near you. How DARE you accuse me of being a bad role model for your daughter, WHEN YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING SEVEN YEAR OLD? I am constantly amazed by how fucking selfish and disgusting you can be. And what goes around comes around, BM? Have you stopped your tirade long enough to consider that maybe that is EXACTLY what is happening to you? That all your years of acting like a spoiled brat and destroying the souls of everyone around you is the reason why you are so fucking miserable? And what’s going to happen to me? Am I going to have bad karma because I treat your daughter like gold? When I cater to her every whim, and tell her over and over again how good she is and that she is loved even though her mother isn’t around to tell her herself - what’s going to happen to me then? And you may know what it is like to give birth, but that doesn’t make you a good mother. You are fucking lucky to have Bf and I around Baby, to undo the damage YOU cause with your constant fucking tantrums. You should be ashamed of yourself for displaying such abhorrent behavior in front of your child, teaching her that bullying and throwing tantrums is acceptable behavior. You FUCKING CHILD. And while I may have problems of my own, at least I am getting help and getting over them. Who is going to cure you, BM? You are sicker in your black and ugly soul than I will EVER be. You are also a raging alcoholic, so get down off your fucking high horse, you moron. You STILL abuse substances the way I USED to - we are exactly the same. And you can leave your book of lies and tell Baby whatever horse shit you want to, but she is a smart kid - I doubt she’ll believe a word of it. It will just be more proof to her how hateful and malicious her mother really is. I would never be so selfish as to display ANY negative behaviors in front of Baby, EVER - UNLIKE YOU. So go fuck yourself. And I really don’t give a flying fuck how you think I look, your opinion holds absolutely no value to anyone but yourself. And I’ve never been fired or had customers complain because I was too fat, BM. But you have.
I pray every day that if you love your daughter as much as you say you do, then you’ll get some fucking help, before Baby becomes as black and ugly as you are. Oh, and maybe you can spend some fucking time with her, too, asshole.
And don’t bother throwing yet another fucking tantrum about this letter. I was more than happy to keep these opinions to myself, but you just had to keep acting like such a fucking cunt towards me, attacking me again and again when all I have done is take care of your daughter. You brought all of this on yourself, BM, so enjoy being on the receiving end for once. You are truly the most selfish and disgusting person I know.
Do I dare send it?
In all honesty, I prolly won't. Though every word I wrote is true, and I want so badly to stand up for myself just ONCE to one of her attacks, I am so scared to make things worse. I am terrified that despite all of the horrible things that she has said and written to and about me, if I retaliate in any way, and speak out against her, she will come on me stronger than ever. I mean, look at how brutally she attacks me, when I go to such great pains to stay away from her? I haven't spoken to her directly in prolly six weeks - and yet somehow everything that's wrong in her life is still my fault, and from out of nowhere she attacks me. I have never responded in kind, as I hoped if I just ignored her, she would eventually go away. But she is still coming at me, so now I can't help but think, what's the difference? She already hates me and attacks me whenever it takes her fancy, so really, what difference does it make if I say my piece back? Keeping my mouth shut obviously hasn't made her stop, but it has eaten at my insides. I hate rolling over and just taking it from her, and it doesn't seem to have done me any good, anyway. Maybe hurting her back is the only way to deal with her.
I just don't know what to do. I have two days left to decide, as she is returning from working a week in Vancouver on Sunday. As I have now blocked her from contacting me in any way, the only way I have left to get this to her is to leave it in her mailbox before she gets back. I was thinking of letting Bf read it and asking his opinion on it, but I am sure I already know what his response would be. I am sure that he would say that I am just sinking to her level, that the things I wrote are cruel, and that I am only going to enrage her further.
All excellent points.
On to more important things, like what I have been doing with myself over the past few days. Um...hmmm. I've had Baby for the past four days, so I haven't had a whole lot of time to myself. I haven't even gone back to the police station to file my report. I just haven't had time to write it out on the triplicate paper the constable gave me, nor have I done as he asked and gone back to get the exact street names. I guess I just haven't felt very motivated to pursue it since Constable F confirmed absolutely that it is pretty much pointless.
Well, that's really all I have to say for today. Sorry it was so boring.