Wednesday, January 27, 2010

37 Days

Last night, I finally picked up my 30 day chip at a meeting. It is actually 37 days today since I last had a drink, but I wanted to go with Bf, and this was the first chance we had to go together.

It was a good meeting for us to be at. A woman named H was celebrating her 2 years, and the person to present her with her chip and bday card was her non alcoholic husband, R. It was good for Bf and I to see a glimpse into our future - I hope that we will be in H and R's places in two years time, and Bf will be presenting me with my 2 year chip.

Here in the present, I am at home today with Baby while Bf is snowboarding with his buddies. We have had a pretty good day today, and though Baby has a cold she is in a great mood, and extra cuddly. I love it when she sits in my lap and curls up under my chin, resting her head against my chest. It makes me feel so loved, and also makes me think that I have done a good job in making her feel loved, too.

We tried to go to the doctor's office first thing this morning, but it was absolutely packed, and we ended up having to give up so we could get to my dentist appointment at 11:30. It was just a quick check in after my dental surgery, but I noticed, and not for the first time, the disgusted look of one of the receptionists there. Now that my $10,000 surgeries are done, she makes absolutely no effort to hide her distaste for me. I don't know what her fucking problem is, but she will actually stare at me in disgust, even when I have asked her a question. I had half a mind to call her out on it today, when I couldn't get a response from her without her snotty fucking attitude, but I had Baby with me, and just decided to leave it. But she really has offended me, to the point that I am considering writing a letter to Dr. Yu to complain. I can't put my finger on what exactly she is doing, but there has been such a change in her demeanor from when I first walked through the door - she used to be so polite and pleasant to me. And while I am angry and want to do something to show her that I think the way she's acting towards me is very unprofessional, the truth is that as usual, my feelings are hurt. These people know the very depths of my eating disorder, and the damage that it has caused. I feel hurt and betrayed that she is suddenly looking down on me, like I am less than human.

I wish I wasn't so goddamned sensitive. I wish I didn't give a fuck what any of these people thought of me. I tried to start reading a book by the Dalai Lhama, "See Yourself As You Really Are", though after four chapters I decided it was just too abstract for me, and tossed it back on the To Be Read pile. But I did manage to grasp one concept, which was that pretty much all of the things that are bothering me don't actually exist. They seem to exist to me, in my mind, but they do not physically exist. Which is all very well, and sometimes I can actually wrap my head around the concept, but most of the time I am still just so hurt and angry at the way Baby Momma has been treating me.

I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish that she wasn't occupying my every fucking thought. I vacillate between vicious letters written in my head, and desperate attempts to come up with a solution. All in all, it is fucking exhausting.

I'm off to an Eating Meeting. Back in a bit.


I'm back. Baby is currently cuddled into my back and telling her Dad "No, MY Kg!" We are watching the Simpsons, which is my one break from the monotony of children's cartoons for the past 13 hours. WEll, except Big and Small, but we didn't get to see the whole thing this morning, as we had to get to the doctor's office. I don't know why, but I fucking LOVE that show. I get more excited when it comes on than even Baby does.

I have Baby again tomorrow, which is going to make four days in a row. Normally I wouldn't mind, but with the latest soap opera from Baby Momma

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