Friday, December 25, 2009


I thought I got you on my side
I haven't got fucking anything NIN

And so we sit at our respective parental houses, Bf and I - well, I don't actually know if that's what he's doing, but for the sake of the storyboard, let's say he is - neither of us willing to make a move.

I sent him a text last night.

"Kage: Hi Bf, I am w/my folks. Don't wanna ruin your night, Merry Christmas and Happy Bday to Baby. I love you both, talk to you after the holidays."

He replied half an hour later.

"Bf: Merry Christmas to you and your family as well, Kg's Given Name. You're not ruining my night, and I'm glad you're not in the hospital. Get well soon."

Intimate, huh?

I didn't bother to reply. His formal tone and using my given name tell me everything that I need to know. We are done.

I fell asleep watching Jeff Dunham on Comedy Channel last night, whom Bf can't stand. He thinks that he is just easy on the the eyes, but not a very good ventriloquist. I thought about Dunham last night with that magical mouth between my legs until I was in heaven. For whatever reason, he was still wearing his leather jacket as he looked up at me from between my thighs.

I talked to my old roommate Wang yesterday, and while he has already moved on from our old house and it is currently under renovation, he has generously offered for me to move back in while it is being renovated. I was thrilled at first, when I thought that I would be living alone - there's the sick part of me, rejoicing in the opportunity to self mutilate without worry of getting caught - but Wang told me today that he would be renting the basement to his other friend who is struggling, Mt. I have met Mt a few times, doesn't say much, which suits me fucking perfectly. He will live in the basement, and Moo and I will live upstairs during the renovations while I go to treatment. Wang is only going to charge me $500 rent until the renos are done, and then we'll go from there. He has asked me to agree to a 6 month term.

So, it is all set up. I have an excellent place to live - my old home - and a little bit of watching over, but not really, cuz I don't really know Mt, and a really good price that I can afford while I am in treatment, and there is even a garage so my smegging car will start every morning, provided Wang isn't storing his summer car in there. Everything is in place, just waiting for my go ahead.

And yet, here I sit, doing nothing. Just as Bf sits wherever he is, doing nothing. Are we both just cowards, neither one willing to take the first step forward to end things? Or are we both hoping there may be a way through for us, that we may still work through this?

In my heart, I believe it is the former. His cold, formal approach to me is the polar opposite of the man that I have loved for the past 16 months. And yet still I sit, frozen by uncertainty and a tiny hope that I am trying desperately to quell that maybe he still loves me, that he is willing to stand by me while I get some help.

I long for the oblivion of substance abuse, but I refuse to fall to the fucking wayside yet again. I am filling my time instead with Trent Reznor in my ears constantly - I even chose to only remove one ear bud during Christmas breakfast and presents, God but my parents must hate me - and his soothing lyrics confirm what I have always known. He is truly the only person alive who understands me.

On the plus side, I have begun a scathing letter to that psycho, Baby Momma. As soon as everything is put to bed with Bf and myself, I am going to let fucking RIP on that horrible excuse for a human being.

Don't worry! I'll let you read it too ;)

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