Tuesday, November 29, 2011

To Auschwitz Condominiums We Go

Hmmmm. Something's missing here, what is it?
Oh I know, eyebrows!
There we go. That's better.

A scream bleats out
We're herded into lines
Customized vans wait outside
I'm getting scared of my new home
To Auschwitz condominiums we go

~ Dead Kennedys

My cousin J in Australia told me yesterday that he checks my blog all the time to see how I’m doing, cuz I never answer my phone.

Oh. Eek.

Ahhhh, my blog, how infrequently I visit you. I used to be on my blog every single day, tracking and recording each and every insignificant little detail of my insignificant little life. So if you couldn’t reach me on my phone - and chances are, you couldn’t - you could just go to my blog and see how I’m doing and what I’ve been up to.

Somewhere along the way, though, I kind of lost sight of what I was doing and why I had started a blog in the first place. All of a sudden I had all these rules for what I could post, a paradigm to be followed of what each entry should look like and what it should include. Every post had to be well written and edited, polished and perfected before it could be posted. I wanted everything on my blog to be a shining example of my  finely tuned writing skills, and anything that didn’t meet my criteria went straight into the trash.

The more rigorous my standards became, though, the less I looked forward to writing on my blog. I didn’t have an hour to write out a well researched essay on Jello Biafra’s 1981 graveyard wedding, or to list verbatim every word exchanged during my last therapy session with Dr. Adorable. And I certainly didn’t have time to edit and polish it five hundred billion times. But as a self-proclaimed terminal perfectionist, if I couldn’t write something outstanding like I wanted to, well then I wasn’t going to write anything at all. Either I found the time to write the most profound prose ever written in the history of man, or I sat on my ass eating Cheetos and watching The Colbert Report.

As you can see from the bare bones of my blog right now, sitting on my ass eating Cheetos has tended to win out. I just don’t have the time to write something good and then edit it and then obsess about it and then worry that it’s crap and all the other pointless, dismal stuff that goes into my writing process. And why? Really, why? It’s a BLOG. It’s not a goddamn thesis paper. Whatever that is.

So when my cousin J mentioned yesterday that he always goes to my blog to find out how I am doing, I realized that there really wasn’t much of anything for him to find, cuz I haven’t written any of it.

It’s true that I don’t have a lot of time to write. I am no longer living in a hop-sital, or working as an exotic dancer, dancing just four half-hour shows a day. I work full time at the tattoo shop, I have a boyfriend with a four-year-old daughter, and I have three crazy mutts that demand constant attention at home. I don’t have time to write, say, a daily assessment of my teetering sanity and it’s effects on my physical well being. But I DO have time to write about, say, what happens when you decide to pluck your eyebrows after a night out drinking with your friends:

The answer is, you will look like a complete twat
for the next two months.

Or that I got my autographed copy of Henry Rollins’ incredible new book “Occupants” which, despite my disappointment that it did not include a marriage proposal from HR, is a really good book:

I KNOW there is a marriage proposal in there SOMEWHERE.
I better just show up at his house unannounced, so we can
discuss it from my vantage point in the bushes.

What does all this rambling boil down to, you ask? It’s simple. I want to get back to what this blog was supposed to be about in the first place: fun. I just wanna check in every couple of days and tell you guys how I’m doing and what’s happening with me, without worrying about whether or not what I’m writing is any good.

With those barriers torn down, I hope that I will be posting a bit more. Of course, sitting on my butt watching Colbert Report is pretty tempting, too, so I guess we shall see which way the wind blows.

Ha ha! Blows.



  1. I present to you a decent solution. Come up with an idea, and type it out during the ad breaks of Colbert, or when it's boring. If Colbert is ever boring. But that could cut into valuable Cheeto eating time. My sister says she's learnt more about me from my blog than from me actually talking to her. I didn't realise I got that personal there. This scares me.

  2. Sounds like a great idea...the blogging more so we don't go through Kagey withdraw but certainly NOT the plucking of eyebrows while drunk. Come on now chicka, that is chick rule numbero uno or at least dos! haha. Thank goodness they'll grow back and until then you can pencil them in. :)

  3. That's the idea, Ms Kage, just throw out your dirty laundry and your readers will wash it for you. What you did to your eyebrows is called "depilation", which I oppose in all its forms.

  4. Fine by me and look after yourself and the dogs.

  5. Yeah!!! More Kage!! Hooray! *throws confetti*
    Shit, now I have all this confetti to clean up!! Oh well, totally worth it. Keep writing girlie, we'll keep throwing confetti.

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Yeah for more Kage indeed, you're a glowing ball of black sunshine for the boring earth. More of you makes these days of poop and barf more fun. (sorry my life right now). Disregard the deleted comment, I'm 30 and should know the difference between your and you're by now.

  8. That's an easy remedy... eye merkins...



  9. Well i wouldnt be writing fuuhk on each brow, maybe 'sunshine' on one and 'lollipops' on the other...
    that is just plain crazy and will have folks thinking you are only two stations away from the sunny hamlet of nutsoville...sorry...thats mean..
    yeah...keep on writing girl...you got the gift therefore you owe the readers more more MORE!!!
    keep on keeping on ;)

  10. Ya know I think you hit the nail on the head for what the world needs. MORE KAGE!!! I miss the rants. Your own wonderfly crazy view of the world always cheered me up. Keep going with it. Try type one sentence then one hand of cheetoes. Might work. Let me know. Miss ya Kiddo!

  11. Will there be more boobs? Because I have my needs you know.

  12. I have no idea how I found out about your blog. Probably stalking Henry Rollins pecs. I knew it would be shite because you were an anorexic stripper, hence, a stupid whore.

    The shock! Best female blog I have read in years. You are outstandingly remarkable.

  13. Mark,
    i've had friends tell me the same thing, that they have learned more about me from my blog than from hanging out with me, especially when i was writing from hop-sital. and i like your colbert plan.

    i do actually draw my brows in already, so it's really not so bad lol

    Angry Lurker,
    thanks francis :)

  14. Randy,
    tee hee! STOP

    "you're a glowing ball of black sunshine for the boring earth." sweet!

    Red Shoes,
    eye merkins? you lost me...

  15. Dan,
    lollipops and sunshine, huh? i better write them in permanent marker ;)

    Uncle Peter,
    i miss you too :) come visit me sometime!

    Sugar Free,
    i always have boobs for you :)

  16. Interweb Fails,
    i hope you mean marilyn manson...

    wow, i nearly shit myself when i read the first part of your comment. quite possibly the best thing that has been said about my blog, ever. thank-you :)

  17. Hi Kage.
    I really don't know why I've never looked here before, I see you commenting on a few blogs that I follow and I tend to check out those I have other blogs in common with.

    My loss - and I realised that as soon as saw the hunk fest of pics down the side, never mind read the rest.
    Ah well, I'm here now. And I think I'll stick around :)


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