Monday, November 7, 2011

Hey! I'd Like To Fuck Ya.

You can actually track the progression of the evening by following M's white makeup - it went
from his face to my nose, to his neck, to my neck, to his hands, to my boobs, to his junk, to my mouth, my tongue, my tonsils and so on, until I was just covered in white stuff.....
Oh, hahahahahahaha! I just got that.

I was putting on my coat to leave for church last Friday evening when I stopped to have a quick look at my blog before I left. I had been meaning to post some pics from the fundraiser I organized for The Orphanage of Adorable Puppies and Cute Children last week, but I’ve just been so busy figuring out the formula for world peace that I haven’t had a chance. Still, I figured I could find some time, between that night's Evening Mass and my speech at the Boys & Girls Club orientation dinner, to at least post my Halloween pics like I promised.

As I skimmed down the page, I noticed that I had recently had a bunch of visitors from According To Jewels. Was ist das? I wondered, and clicked over Jewels’ site.

And that’s when I saw it. An award - THE award - every blogger wants to get. The one that is guaranteed to bring people to your site, drooling and begging for more. An award of chaste innocence, virginal curiosity and hidden intrigue, and -

Wait a minute. Does that sound like the Jewels that you know?

Nah. Me neither.

What Jewels actually gave me was an award for how cute and fuckable I am! a blogger. Cute and fuckable as a blogger. But still, Jewels thinks I'm cute and fuckable! (as a blogger) How bout that?

Isn't that a sweet surprise? Turns out that I, quiet, demure, chaste and conservative Kage, won an award for how totally fuckable I am! Ha ha ha! Can you imagine that? 

Hey! Stop imagining that for a second, there's more to talk about. 

Anyway, if there's one way to charm the pants off me, it's to tell me how great I am. So pants off to you, Jewels!

I’ve only had the award for a few days now, but already my life has changed. Church has become less and less important; the orphanage just doesn’t feel quite as necessary as it used to; my neck-high blouse and ankle-length skirt suddenly feel oppressive.

I'm breaking free! I’m a BILF now, after all - there are standards for me to live up to. I am expected to act a certain way, fulfill a certain role, to BE a BILF.

So! My brand new BILF life involves wearing very little clothing and a whole lot of makeup, writing outrageous emails to Henry Rollins, showing my boobs for shots at the bar and working in a tattoo and piercing parlor. If that isn’t living up to the life of a BILF, then I don’t know what is.

Thank-you Jewels, for helping me find the light. For showing me I was on the wrong path, that there was so much more fun to be had!

Have a look at these Halloween pics of the new Henrietta Collins/ Kage, and her fabulous new BILF-i-ness.

(Anyone who points out that these pictures were taken before I got the BILF award gets a punch in the junk.)


  1. hahaha. Greatest post ever. So glad that you appreciate and embrace your BILF'ness! The pictures are awesome!! I would like to avoid a punch to my lady parts so that is all I will say.

    I laughed my way through this whole post...unless of course you actually rock church...and your church happens to be on a Friday night...then I say...Peace be with you my child.

  2. Hmmm...
    I suppose that might make sense....
    That some folks would come by here for perverse reasons.
    I just come by to read the articles.

  3. hahaha....congratulations on your deserve where is mine?
    i hereby bestow on you another award...the FUFUBLO...the Fucking Funny Blogger careful how you use it ;)

  4. I always thought you were a BILF, but more importantly I'm beginning to like the look of your tush. That makes you a BWAILG (Blogger Whose Ass I'd Like to Grope).

  5. Congrats! You're a worthy recipient if there ever was. This award just certifies what I knew all along. Being a BILF is a great honour. Enjoy it! Those orphans are just going to have to suck it up.

  6. Nice costume Elvira and congrats on the should have got it ages ago!

  7. BILF?? I second that...yummmmm!! Jewels certainly knows how to pick them and you darling, are the perfect choice! Glad you found the light and are being true to yourself finally...after all this time of virginal virtue and constricting clothing!! *MWAH*

  8. Sweet Sweet naked jahubies coming the way of the internets.

  9. congrats and after seeing you in your Elvira costume i see why Jewels gave you this award

  10. I've never seen that award before, but in honest-to-goodness truth, your smokin' header would leave me with no other OPTION but to bestow said award to you with heavy breath and only one hand on the keyboard.

    Man, that sounded so creepy.

    But seriously, not only are you hilarious and entertaining, you're fucking hot as lava.

    Sucks for me, as I suck back an entire bottle of wine and eat my emotions away.

    Ahhh well, congrats on your win.

    I keep getting blog hits from Google Ads, yet I have placed not a one. Strange.

    Way to be entertaining and smokin' hot, Kage!!!

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?


  11. Hi BILF.
    May I point out that you did indeed get the scientific criteria for Elvira cleavage perfect, and perhaps improved on the idea.

  12. Jewels,
    me go to church? hahahahaha! ahhhhhhhhhhh.


    you know who does come by for perverse reasons? ulysses malloy.

    fufublo? haha! i love it! not just the award, but saying "fufublo".

  13. GB,
    i am honored to be your BWAILG, good sir.

    (fyi, thank-you for all the lovely compliments you have given me since i have been gaining weight. i think of it when i am struggling and feel encouraged :)

    yeah, orphans are greedy little bloodsuckers, hey? GOD.

    i KNOW, right?

  14. Randy,
    yes, after all these years of oppression, my boobs and i are finally breaking free! ;)

    tee hee! you've mentioned jahoobies the past four of five comments. i love it.

    thank-you :) yeah, i was pretty happy with that costume lol

  15. Stiffy,
    that would only have sounded creepy if you were a dude. coming from a chick, it was downright HOT. yessaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    yeah, the real elvira can kiss my tits. i mean my ass.

  16. Hey kiddo. Bilf?!? BILF!?! you Dam SKIPPY YOUR A BILF!!! You are a true Goddess. Have a great one.


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