I was putting on my coat to leave for church last Friday evening when I stopped to have a quick look at my blog before I left. I had been meaning to post some pics from the fundraiser I organized for The Orphanage of Adorable Puppies and Cute Children last week, but I’ve just been so busy figuring out the formula for world peace that I haven’t had a chance. Still, I figured I could find some time, between that night's Evening Mass and my speech at the Boys & Girls Club orientation dinner, to at least post my Halloween pics like I promised.
As I skimmed down the page, I noticed that I had recently had a bunch of visitors from According To Jewels. Was ist das? I wondered, and clicked over Jewels’ site.
And that’s when I saw it. An award - THE award - every blogger wants to get. The one that is guaranteed to bring people to your site, drooling and begging for more. An award of chaste innocence, virginal curiosity and hidden intrigue, and -
Wait a minute. Does that sound like the Jewels that you know?
Nah. Me neither.
What Jewels actually gave me was an award for how cute and fuckable I am! ....as a blogger. Cute and fuckable as a blogger. But still, Jewels thinks I'm cute and fuckable! (as a blogger) How bout that?
Isn't that a sweet surprise? Turns out that I, quiet, demure, chaste and conservative Kage, won an award for how totally fuckable I am! Ha ha ha! Can you imagine that?
Hey! Stop imagining that for a second, there's more to talk about.
Anyway, if there's one way to charm the pants off me, it's to tell me how great I am. So pants off to you, Jewels!
I’ve only had the award for a few days now, but already my life has changed. Church has become less and less important; the orphanage just doesn’t feel quite as necessary as it used to; my neck-high blouse and ankle-length skirt suddenly feel oppressive.
I'm breaking free! I’m a BILF now, after all - there are standards for me to live up to. I am expected to act a certain way, fulfill a certain role, to BE a BILF.
So! My brand new BILF life involves wearing very little clothing and a whole lot of makeup, writing outrageous emails to Henry Rollins, showing my boobs for shots at the bar and working in a tattoo and piercing parlor. If that isn’t living up to the life of a BILF, then I don’t know what is.
Thank-you Jewels, for helping me find the light. For showing me I was on the wrong path, that there was so much more fun to be had!
Have a look at these Halloween pics of the new Henrietta Collins/ Kage, and her fabulous new BILF-i-ness.
(Anyone who points out that these pictures were taken before I got the BILF award gets a punch in the junk.)