Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Bulldog Front - The Case of The Abused Dogs

"Dude, help me find my contact.
My mum's gonna kill me."

Ahistorical - you think this shit just 
Dropped right out of the sky
My analysis: it's time to harvest 
The crust from your eyes
To surge and refine, to rage and define ourselves 
Against your line
So sorry friend but you must resign

You want to figure it out we'll throw down 
We'll throw down, we'll throw down
You want to figure it out 
We'll throw down your bulldog front

~ Fugazi

I received a terrible shock one night last week, upon returning home from work. I heaved open the front door late one night, pleasantly exhausted from an eight-hour workday and an hour-long meeting. I was humming along with Mr. Reznor (my iPod) and had just dumped my bags on the floor - I would need both my hands to survive the onslaught of love my three little gits were about to bestow on me when I opened my bedroom door and set them free.

“Yoo Hoo!” I sang. “Mummy’s home!”

I opened my bedroom door and flicked on the overhead light, then screamed in terror and took a giant step back.

“My babies!” I cried, then ran to my dogs, each of whom sat in different areas of my room, their heads hanging low and their tails tucked between their legs. “What happened? Who did this to you?”

I picked Misha up off the floor and cuddled her to my chest. She tried to pull away, refusing to even look at me; the other two tried to slink off and hide. The mistreatment they had suffered was written all over their fuzzy little faces.

The groomers, I realized suddenly. They did this.

“Bastards!” I fumed as I put Misha back onto the bed and stood up to collect my purse and keys. They wouldn’t get away with this. NOBODY abuses my dogs! I’d sue! I’d fucking sue them so hard they’d -

“Don’t they look adorable?” My mum cooed from the open doorway. “So cute!”

I spun around and gaped at her. “You...you let this happen to them?” I demanded.

“What?” Mum frowned as I pushed past her. “What are you talking about?”

“What am I talking about? Look at them!” I yelled. “I won’t let them get away with this!”

“Kage!” Mum cried, tripping over the dogs as she tried in vain to follow me down the hall.

I stopped and turned around. “Are you blind, woman?” I said incredulously. “Can you not see the blatant abuse?”

“No,” Mum shook her head, bewildered.

“The. Bandanas,” I hissed, and slammed the front door behind me.

 Someone was going to pay.

Christ, just look at 'em.
I hope I don't have to euthanize them.



  1. egad....that is some cruel shit...grooming? i think not....
    on a lighter note, nice fugazi segue....love em and was a big minor threat fan

  2. That is wrong on so many fronts....heads have to roll.

  3. Hang on a minute, Poochie minor is wearing a bib not a bandana. He must be a messy eater because you keep on feeding him by hand.

  4. yeah they do look like bibs...or 'coat protectors'....hmmm

  5. Yikes...I agree the bandanas are wrong on so many levels. I hope you were able to find a way around putting them down or murdering groomers/mothers.

  6. There should be a seperate circle of hell for people who do that.
    Even the dogs had the sense to be ashamed at the bandanas.

  7. Danny,
    people armed with bandanas, coming for my dogs. it's what my nightmares are made of.

    Angry Lurker,
    do they do that shit over in ireland too, francis? ker-ist.

    yeah, haven't really cut that umbilical cord quite yet...

  8. Jewels,
    still haven't figured out my revenge plan just yet, but trust me. it will be BRILLIANT.

    yeah, my pooches know good fashion ;)

  9. What if it was, like, a skull and crossbones bandana? Worn by some biker who killed 3 people with his fists and many vaginas with his penis? Would that be an acceptable bandana?

  10. i hope you get your revenge and it is sweet.

  11. Oh Kagey. You sweet crazy lady. The bandannas come off, the shame might not.

  12. oh no.

    doggie bandanas are the WORST!

    who does that. who can put a mini bandana on a helpless animal and sleep at night....

  13. I agree with Mike a S&C bandana is quite fetching in parts of Malaysia. Not sure how it is in Canada or the US. Hey they did it on Seinfeld. Just saying.

  14. Mike,
    i suppose, if the biker's skin came attached to it.

    thanks! i will ;)

    haha! i AM crazy.

  15. IHateEverything,
    THANK-you. GOD.

    Interwebs Fails,
    i know! i mean...thank-you.

    wouldn't they just eat my dogs in malaysia?

  16. BWAHAHAHA, I was actually worried I was going to read graphic details of a dog abuse story..er... I mean... not that this wasn't.

    Every year when I would volunteer with the SPCA, $25 of fundraising would get youa spiffy bandana. Imagine a park full of walk-a-thon with those things on.

    (Admittedly I put the puppy in two shirts last year, but I swear... never again...)


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