Thursday, March 3, 2011

Contrary To That Documentary They Call JAWS...

"Argh, god damn it! I lost my belly chain AGAIN."

Hello everyone, and welcome to Twee Talk Daily! Ready for the latest gossip on some of your favorite bloggers?

Ah, sure you are.

Let's get started with the dirt that we dug up on one of the more notorious bad girls of the blogging community... Kage.

Turns out, everyone, that Kage, from Sex, Sequins and Sociopaths, is having a torrid affair with....Kage, from Sex, Sequins and Sociopaths!

Can you believe that whore?! Jesus Christ.

And that's not all. Kage was also recently caught in the middle of a cat fight with fellow blogger, Heather from Sugar Free Thoughts, over the ownership of some movie rights! Mwror!

I caught up with that psycho Kage at an S&M Club-slash-Preschool Daycare Centre (cutbacks affect everyone, people) in downtown Calgary, to get the latest scoop.

"So, like, Heather and I were arsing around on Rafa's blog the other day, and we both saw this wikked video that he had posted there," she said, as she chained a screaming businessman to the wall, while simultaneously calming a crying toddler on her hip.  "It was something about a Honey Badger."

"A Honey Badger?" I repeated disbelievingly.

"Yeah, bitch, a Honey Badger," she glanced at me over her shoulder. "Do you have some kind of problem with that?" And she slapped the businessman hard across the face with her free hand.

"No," I said quickly.

"Good," she said. She slapped the businessman again, causing the toddler on her hip to laugh and clap her little hands. "So anyway, Heather and I saw the video at the same time, and we both called dibs. Before he knew what was going on, Rafa had a cage match of epic proportions on his hands."

"A Kage match?"I interrupted.

"Yeah, a cage match," she said.

"Here, hold this," she said, and tossed the toddler at me.

I threw my pen and pad in a panic, barely plucking the squealing toddler out of the air before she landed in a vat of hot oil.

I hugged the baby close to me and watched as Kage poked the businessman in the ass. "You alright, Gary?" she asked him.

"Yeah, Kage, I'm good," came his muffled reply.

She pulled out a long whip, and turned back to me. "So anyway, I knew Heather was going to Irish Jolly Stomp my ass into next week," she said, twirling the long end of the whip slowly around Gary's ankles. "But I really wanted those movie rights."

"So what did you do?" I asked.

"Haha! Easy," she grinned. "While Heather was warming up for my ass kicking, I set fire to an animal shelter."

"You...you what?"

"Yeah," she laughed. "She totally fell for it, too. Went running off to save all the animals like the good person she is, leaving the Interweb wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open. And so, I got to the videos first."

"Well! That's super," I said enthusiastically, surreptitiously glancing around for the closest exit. I spotted it at the top of a back stairway, and I knew I had only one chance to escape.

I quickly shoved the toddler back in Kage's arms. "Well, I'd best be off," I said cheerfully, then I turned and ran like fucking hell, before she could put down the kid and chase me.

I'm lucky I got out of there alive.

And so, here are Kage's hard-won videos, everyone. Even though they are edumacationamal, please stay and enjoy them for a moment, as a lot of suffering was endured to present them to you.



13 comments:

  1. I love that narrative!!

    Wicked funny story too


    Did you find the belly chain?

    heee

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  2. Honey badgers are the s***! I love nature movies.

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  3. "You think Kage gives a shit? she just..EWww WHAT IS THAT, A Mouse???"

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  4. Justhus Christ, what would win, a honey badger or a great white sharky poo? Jesuth!

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  5. If I hadn't been in my cups I NEVER would have fallen for that bullshit fire. You won this time, Kage. But, at the very least, you should be taking half of these fleabag animals off my hands. Bruce is not happy about the extra mouths we have to feed. (Although I suspect he is enjoying the extra crotch sniffing) Perv.

    Kisses.
    SF

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  6. hahaha. love the story. I love the toddler tossing! I saw the honey badger on Katsidhe's blog a couple weeks back-turns out she knows the narrator Randall...which is too awesome because the narration makes that clip.

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  7. I...I don't even know what to say.

    As Rafa might say, "What would Tupac do?"

    hed

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  8. Not gonna lie, a small part of me (a big, fucked up part of me) wanted to see you slather the toddler in honey and feed her to a dumpster full of honey badgers.

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  9. Good story and that honey badger is a fucking lunatic.

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  10. You always manage to amuse me with your stories! You're so news worthy. My dad showed me the honey badger, the commentary is quite amusing. And that it survived the cobra bite. Even more respect for the badger family!
    <3

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  11. PBJ,
    nope. didn't find the goddamn navel ring, either :(

    Christopher Allen,
    i only love randall's nature movies!

    Rafa,
    omg! i DOOOOO talk like that!

    Mike,
    omigod, that's scary! stop it, you big bad man! that's just scary!

    Oilfield Daddy,
    thank-you :)

    Sugar Free,
    actually, bruce already called me and told me in no uncertain terms that you guys are keeping all of the animals. heh heh. that'll learn ya ;)

    Jewels,
    your friend knows randall? that's awesome! he's like a fucking rock star from mars to me now.

    Hed,
    i don't think he'd do a super gay voice-over for a nature clip...

    Beer4Shower,
    i shall put it in my next post!

    Angry Lurker,
    i know, right? so cute!

    Daae,
    haha! you find something nice to say abooot everything and everyone, darling. you are precious :)

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  12. Oh...you bee-atch hahaha...I thought I was the only person who knew about Randall..oh well.
    Hang on that was a bit rough calling you a bee-atch...sorry....let me bare my rump for a good paddy whack.
    Jeez I'm rambling here...Randal is the bomb isn't he?
    'honey badger don't give a shit...'

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