Friday, February 26, 2010

"Why Did I Do It?"

Oh God, I just woke up from the most horrible dream. By the way, sorry to everyone that I haven't written in so long, and that it took this terrible dream to bring me back.

So, in the dream, Bf and I were throwing a party at our house, and I was successfully hiding the fact that I had been drinking all night. I figured that it would be alright, it was only beer. The next thing I knew, it was the next day, and I was back in Guam. I had no recollection of the past approximately 20 hours - Guam is solid 10 hours in the air, plus I would have had to book it, get to the airport, have a layover in Seattle again, etc. But I couldn't remember any of it, and I knew in my heart that I had drank too much the night before, and had blacked out. I didn't know if Bf even knew where I was, because of course, my Canadian cell phone didn't work in the South Pacific. I tried to use the house phone of the dancer house to call Bf, but I couldn't make it work. My roommate at the house was the dancer who was hooking in the VIP Room last time I was there, Kimberley. Only this time, not only did I not have a room all to myself, I was simply allocated a corner of a large room, where there was actually stuff from the last time I had worked in Guam still sitting where i had abandoned it the last time, cuz I couldn't fit it in my suitcase home.

Suddenly it was time to go to work. Kimberley and I were supposed to work at different clubs, but I was so overwhelmed and upset about Bf that I begged her to come to the Crazy Horse with me. She smiled and said that she would, and off we went to the club. I decided when we got there that the only way I was going to get over the loss of Bf would be to throw myself into my work, to sell lots of dances so I could take some solace in all the money i would make. It was not very comforting, but it was all that I had.

The next thing I remember, I was back in Canada, and trying desperately to get back to The City so I could find Bf. I had started to call him again now that I was back in Canada, but I would only get this weird message in an automated female voice:

"This cell phone number does not exist, and it never has. If you think I'm lying, then come find me on vacation and I'll kick your ass."

Somehow, I finally ended up at my parents house. The first thing that I did was use their phone to try Bf again, but to no avail. I looked up saw that my dad was guiltily hiding baby toys in his office drawer, and suddenly I knew that they had babysat Baby while I was gone. I ran into my dad's office and started screaming at him, "How could you give her back without me? You know it could be the last and only contact I could have had with Bf!" And as the pain started to engulf me, I suddenly realized that along with losing Bf, I had also lost my Baby - that my stepdaughter was no longer my stepdaughter, that I no longer had the right to see her, that she was gone. I started to howl and sank to the floor, where I just just rocked back and forth and cried "Why did I do it?"like the Jewish woman in The Pianist who smothered her newborn child.

I woke up in the middle of that pain, drenched in sweat and not knowing, as I first opened my eyes, that the dream wasn't real. The feeling I woke up to and had to actual experience in real life for a few seconds was so horrible, I wanted to die.

The feeling lessened but still stuck with me for a while after I got out of bed. I know that the anxiety of this dream is loosely based on the fact that I have gone back to work, and Bf is not too happy about it. I certainly don't blame him. Even though I just got my 60 days, which I have never actually achieved with Bf before, the odds of working in the exotic entertainment industry without returning to alcohol are pretty slim. Every time I have succumbed to a relapse, I have been at work. I can feel Bf's fear every time I leave for a stag, and though I feel more and more confidant in my recovery every day, I cannot deny my own stats. This dream merely reflects the fear that I actually share with Bf that I am playing with fire, and could lose everything.

I have had plenty of anxiety dreams about losing Bf, but until now, they have never included Baby. This was the first time I also realized in my dream that I would lose my little girl, that I would go from caring for her every day of our week with her, to not being allowed to see her at all. At ALL. She is not my biological child, after all - no matter how much I invest into raising Baby, if I screw this up I will never see her again. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...