I realized today that even though I have been through this a million times, this trying to get clean and sober thing, and have become quite fantastically bitter and cynical, and at some times hopeless, it would appear that I am still susceptible to the downfall that has ensnared many an addict before me - despite everything I have learned, every time I start cleaning up again, I cling to the stupid, misguided belief that as soon as I stop using a chemical or stop engaging in compulsive behaviors that everything in my life is going to turn into sunshine and fucking rainbows. It is so strange that I think that, because I really am just so bitter and jaded, and expect the worst from everything and everyone. Yet I have once again allowed myself to get caught up in everyone else's poetry and optimism, and expected that if I just stopped using and asked for help, everything would be rosy.
Of course, it's not, and now I am left to deal with the added disappointment and frustration that leads most of us into relapse.
I am obviously in a crappy place right now. But hey, would I be writing if I wasn't? And maybe it will make other people feel better. So yippee.
I am currently in a shit load of agony. Though I just spent $4000 on getting my teeth fixed, something is wrong again and I have to go back. It would appear that the tooth that hurts is one of the ones that he worked on before, which is frustrating and annoying. I have been trying to avoid thinking about it for the past few days, but as usual the pain has won, and I have a dentist appointment today at noon.
This is not the only thing that is bothering me. Right now it seems like everything is bothering me. I don't know if it's because I didn't get into treatment right away, or the fact that I am ballooning more and more each day, to the point where I can't even bear to look in the mirror, or the fact that all of my bills are due but I haven't any money to pay them, or the fact that my depression is running rampant and leaving most of my days spent crying and unwilling to move - I can't really pinpoint which of these things is upsetting me the most. Perhaps they all are?
So how on earth do I pull myself out of this funk? I have tried going back to the gym, but I am too exhausted to do anything; I have worked a bit, but I really can't work until I go in and apologize to Boy Agent for screwing up that stag on the NIght of the 7 Hour Blackout; I am taking my meds regularly, so I'm not sure where the crying and lethargy is coming from; I could maybe keep my weight gain from spiraling so out of control by sticking to my eating plan, instead of constantly stuffing my face; I could get my depressed ass to a meeting and share how I'm feeling instead of hiding out at home.
That's the thing about self pity, though. It's not terribly motivating, is it.
It is 8 in the morning now. I have spent the night on the couch in front of the t.v., reading and writing and doing pretty much anything to distract myself from the agony in my mouth. I only have four more hours to go until I see Dr. Yu, though really, I should be more apprehensive than this. I haven't any money to get this fixed. My parents have offered to help me, thank Christ, or I might have blown my head off by now. Dental pain seems to be worse than any other pain. I wish I could just root canal every tooth and pop in some veneers, so I never have to hurt like this again.
Anyway. Incessant bitching about it won't change anything.
After I see Dr Yu, I am going downtown to cover a show at the club downtown, and you'll never guess who I am covering for - Baby Momma! I KNOW, right? She contacted Bf and told him to ask me if I would cover her shows during the day today. She is doing some sort of driving school thing to get her license back, after a DUI she got in Drumheller last year. I struggled with this one, initially - I was certainly in no mood to do her any fucking favors. But I realized that I wouldn't be helping her, I would be helping myself - I needed the money - and I wouldn't have to see her or interact in any way. And so I agreed, through a phone conversation with Bf, that I would cover her daytime shows. Turned out to only be one show, but whatever. I'll take it!
After that, I am going to see Boy Agent and apologize for screwing up, then I will have the rest of the day to spend with Bf and Baby, as it is Bf's day off. I haven't really slept much from the pain in my mouth, but I would really like to have an enjoyable day with them today. Baby has reached the age where she is able to communicate much more easily, and she is a happy, laughing little girl who is very easy to please and get along with. She still tries occasionally to pout and throw a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, but she doesn't seem to do this as often as other kids. She seems to understand the logic we present to her of why she can't do this or that, and easily accepts the alternative that is offered to her. There is no nice way to say this, so I'll just say it - she is turning into a well adjusted little girl with a heart of gold, despite all my fears that her mother's hate and anger would damage her, too. I am so proud that she is turning out to be a lot like her dad - full of questions and logic and curiosity and joy, rather than becoming spoiled and prone to tantrums, like her mum. I like to think that Baby's interactions here with us have a lot to do with how well adjusted she seems to be - I am always so proud when she repeats something I have been trying to teach her.
Anyway, enough bragging. I was thinking I would really like to post every day, and not just when things are sucking and I am angry and want to bitch and rant. I am really stuck with the notion that unless I am hurting or angry in some way, my blog is totally boring. I guess I'm just not sure what else I would write about. Does anyone care about my life when nothing is wrong?
I was also thinking about starting another blog on an Ed devoted site, and keeping it strictly about my eating and how I'm doing. To be honest, I am not entirely comfortable in sharing too many details here about my eating disorder - while I have been honest about it, I have not been comfortable elaborating or going in to any kind of detail. I know that the people who are reading this are all hoping and praying for me to get better, and I don't want to worry anyone with the thoughts that are constantly running through my mind. There are sites devoted to just that, and though the sites are all pro recovery, you can still be entirely honest about how you are doing, even when it's not good.
I now have less than three hours until I see the dentist. I can't believe I am looking forward to it, but right now I would be willing to take a needle in my mouth if it meant that the pain would stop. As for the rest of my problems, I am not sure how today is going to go. Bf is sitting beside me on the couch now, but we are not talking. I know that he is disappointed because I have been staying up all night again, instead of going to bed with him. Last night I was just going to do some writing and go up to bed, but as my teeth started to hurt more and more, I knew there was no point in trying to sleep, so I just stayed up reading and watching tv instead.
I wish there was a way I could just stop this downward spiral I am currently on, and climb back out again. But I really don't know how. Oh, and I thought that maybe I would start adding some of my essays to my blog, to make things a but different.
Pray for me today, please. I need it.