Too Sexy? Or Too Skinny?
That is the question that is currently plaguing every facet of my fucking life. Agent BBMed me last week, and told me once again that I was getting too thin. He has really been coming down hard on me these past few weeks, but on Monday he made his first reference to their being some real consequences to my continued resistance to putting some weight back on:
"Agent: Manager talk to you?
Kage: No, about what?
Agent: Ur weight. Start puttin weight on grl the clubs r noticing..
Kage: I honestly have been, but I will try harder I stopped going to the gym until I gain weight I promise I am trying!
Agent: You gotta put weight on or clubs r going to take a pass on u
Kage: I know, Agent, can't you see that I have already gained?
Kage: Please don't give up on me Agent, I am not anorexic again and I am going to put the weight back on!
KAge: Are you still gonna send me to Tourist Mountain Town next week, or do you want me to do Small South City?
Agent: I filled Small South City now cause I need kickass girls in Tourist Mountain Town but honestly I'm concerned about you. I'm going to be on u hard to put on weight
Kage: Ok, Agent. I promise I won't let you down in Mountain Town. I'm still a kickass girl and I'll put the weight back on, I promise.
Agent: Please do. Ur a great grl.
Kage: Thank you. I'm sorry for worrying you."
So that was Monday. I didn't really hear from him again until Thursday, when he knocked me sideways with his aggression.
“Agent: Call me in the morning I need to talk to u
Kage: Ok. What’s going on?
Agent: Talk to u tomorrow
Kage: Did I do something wrong? Please tell me
Agent: Ur getting moved out of Tourist Mountain Town next week week I'm working on gettin u something in twn. U need to get healthy again I want to see you in the office monday and ur going to explain to me why u think being 5 foot 9 and 85 pounds is appealing to most people.
Agent: Stop it
Kage: Ok (cuz what else could I say?)
Agent: I still love u though
Kage: I still love you too. Please, please reconsider sending me to Mountain Town, I am still a good girl and I think I just look really thin to people who know me cuz the weight loss was so rapid. All I hear from guys in the audience is how amazing my body is, but I can gain a few more pounds by Tuesday I am ordering takeout right now and i’m going to cram it all down and then eat some chocolates.
Agent: I will think about it but I’m not hearing positive reviews frm the clubs and this will be my 2nd week bookin Mountain Town I’m not risking it I will put u in twn until I hear ur puttin weight back on.
Agent: U can hate me all u want but if I have to be a prick to you so u start eating. I’m bringin a scale to the office and we will agree on a fair weight 4 u. This is ur fuckin life and u seem to surround urself with pussies that won’t be honest with u. Ur abeautiful girl with a great personality but ur perception of reality in regards to ur weight is wacked.
Kage: I don’t hate you, Agent. I want to get better, what happened with my teeth actually got my a referral to City Eating Disorders, I’m on the waiting list now and i’m still going to my own counselor. Actually, I guess that’s not entirely true, I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I do want to get better, I’m just so scared of getting fat, being thin is the only thing I’m good at.
Kage: Please don’t tell anyone I told you that, though. I don’t want that psycho Baby Momma to get any more fodder to throw in my face if word gets out that I am going to counseling for food issues on top of everything else.
"Kage: Hey, sorry to bother you, I was just hoping to find out if you’d found any work for me next week?
Agent: U will be covering shows in twn I will see you at the office at 2 pm as well
Kage: Am I still working the week after?
Agent: U asked to be off the 21st then Our City 28th? That's what I have on the call sheet
Kage: Oh fuck, I thought there was one more week before Christmas."
And that was it. He hadn't even seen me to see that I had gained some weight, he just took Manager's word
for it, and pulled me out of work the week before Christmas.
Manager came into the club that afternoon while I was onstage, and I felt my hurt and anger swell at the sight
of him. Because of whatever crappy things he had said to Agent about me, I had been fired the last week
before Christmas. As soon as my show was over, I went backstage to confront him.
"Hey Manager," I said as I pushed through the double doors with my stage bag. "Do you have some free time
later? I was hoping you could sit and watch me eat before I lose any more work."
I was trying to be tough, but my voice was shaking, and I could see that he knew it.
"Kage," he said softly. "Come here."
Reluctantly, I dropped my stage bag onto the floor and walked over to him. He held out his hand for me,
and after a moment's hesitation, I took it. He clasped his other hand over mine and gave it a warm squeeze,
then he looked me right in the eye.
"Kage, Agent and I are worried about you," he said, still speaking softly and holding my hand. "Look at
you, honey. You're so thin, you've lost so much weight in such a short period of time. You look unhealthy,"
he emphasized with a shake of my hand, as if to to rattle me, and suddenly my exhaustion hit me full force.
I began to cry.
"Come here," he said, and pulled me into a hug. I let him wrap his arms around me and he held my head
as I cried silently into his chest. "Agent is scared," he continued. "He doesn't know how else to help you.
This is just his way of trying to make sure you get better."
I started to chant off my usual excuses for how I had dropped so much weight, and then just stopped. The
damage was already done now, there seemed little point in trying to justify my weight loss.
I pulled my head back up and wiped my eyes, and he lifted my chin to look straight into my eyes again.
"We know you're not doing drugs," he said.
I squeaked with outrage. "You're fucking right I'm not!" I snapped.
"I know," he soothed. "But Kage, you still look really unhealthy."
I nodded, then picked up my stage bag and walked away. I knew that I was too thin. The stress that I have been under with Baby Momma, coupled with the oral infection and
consequent surgery that left me unable to eat solid food for two weeks, had dropped my weight to below 113 lbs, which was
my anorexic weight back in 2000. I didn't really think that my appearance warranted such a dramatic reaction, but I knew that
I really had no choice - if I wanted to work, I had to gain some weight.
The most frustrating thing was all the mixed revues that I was getting. Manager and Agent clearly thought I looked disgusting,
but all I heard from all of the guys that I took to VIP for a private dance kept telling me how amazing my body was. "God, you
are just so tiny, I love it," and "You must work out a lot," and "You're body is just so perfect" were what I would hear from virtually
every single dude I danced for. It made me want to drag each guy backstage, plunk him in front of Manager and demand that he
repeat word-for-word what he had just said to me.
But since that might not help me sell dances, I had to find a way to gain some weight.
For the next two days, I ate whatever I wanted. Between meals of whatever fatty foods I craved, I would also stuff my face with
Hershey's Kisses and Jelly Beans. By Friday I knew that I had gained some weight, even though I didn't have a scale. I could tell
just by my appearance in the mirror - my arms had filled out a bit and looked healthier and not as bony; my abs weren't quite as
sharply defined; my legs looked a tiny bit less scrawny. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked around the club after my
show, signing posters and selling dances. After a while I decided it was time for a smoke break, and headed backstage.
As I pushed through the double doors into the back of the bar, I was happy to see that Manager was there, having a smoke too.
To Be Continued...