I have thought about blogging for a while, chiefly as a means to communicate with all the people who still think I am worth communicating with. There are a few people who continue to email me, hoping against all hope (and evidence) that I might reply more then once every six months. Everyone else kinda got the point and gave up, which is both a sad tribute to my antisocial nature, and a tremendous relief. I guess I finally started a blog today, because if I don't find a healthy outlet for my simmering rage, I am going to explode.
That said, let's get down to today's bitching!
The ongoing feud with Baby Momma is eating me alive. You would think that being the antisocial little hermit that I am, the actions of other people would no longer have such a profound effect on me. In fact, that's how it SHOULD be - if I go to all the trouble of staying away from you, why can't you leave me the fuck alone? Unfortunately, BM doesn't appear to subscribe to the same system of logic - or, indeed, any system - and she continues her quest to harm me in any way possible.
I had been enjoying a brief hiatus from her lunacy, going almost two weeks without hearing directly from her. Oh, she was still going after me - calling the bf's parents to tell them I'm a stripper and that M used to work at the club ("they deserve to KNOW the truth, it's only RIGHT"); telling M that I helped her keep working when she broke her foot, which involved doing some bad things, but she had called me crying, begging desperately for help; refusing to let me care for Baby on my own anymore, even though she knows how much her kid loves me and that I would do anything for her. But she was no longer contacting me directly, stalking me through texts and phone calls and blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life, and it was beautiful. I was giddy with relief every time I checked my phone and saw that another day had gone by without her toxic anger seeping into everything good and corrupting my few remaining branches of hope.
I knew it couldn't last though, and my beautiful freedom from her insanity came to an abrupt end last week. BM got into a fight with M, and when she didn't receive enough satisfaction from tearing him down, she came after me.
I had just finished a show downtown, and was getting into my car to grab some coins to pay for more parking. I had already put up curtains in the back windows of my 300 and padded up Baby's car seat to use as a pillow, so that I could have a quick nap before I headed off to the meeting in Bowness. As I dug through my purse for loonies, I heard my BBM ding, and reached for my phone. I was too preoccupied to be scared - after all, I still spoke to Mississippi and San Diego by BBM, and since I hadn't heard from her in two weeks, it didn't actually occur to me that it could be her. But when I clicked it open, my body surged with an adrenaline born of fear, hurt and impotent rage.
"BM :Tell M I said thanks for letting me use all his band stuff for my hot new promo."
I had no idea what this meant. I knew that BM and M had met up at the mall while I was doing my show, BM picking up Baby after M took her for pictures with Santa. But what the f*@k did this mean? I wondered.
And so I called M. Turns out the he had forgotten(?) to tell me that he had lent BM his upright bass for her new promo. When they inevitably started fighting this afternoon, she knew that she could hurt both M and myself by letting me in on this little secret. And to be honest, I am a bit disappointed in M for arming her so effectively. Did he think it would be better when I came across the promo on my own (not doubt sent to me by BM herself) and recognized his shiny space bass being straddled and defiled by his mentally unstable ex girlfriend? In what effing context could that ever be better? She is a terrible bully, and I know this - she shamelessly uses Baby to bait M into doing absolutely anything and everything she wants - but this one still smacked of total naivete and thoughtlessness on his part. Like she needs any more fucking ammo?
Once I had the story straight, I texted a reply to BM:
"Kage: You're a big girl. Tell him yourself.
BM: Don't worry, I did.
Kage: Perfect then, you can leave me out of it."
I prayed that this would be the end, but of course it wasn't.
"BM: Why Kage you wanted to be all up inn it before ? did you forget?"
"Kage: Yeah, that was before I met you," is what I WANTED to text. But I wanted so badly to get back to the point where she pursues her revenge against me without actually involving me, so instead I tried not to rise to her baiting:
"Kage: I'm too busy for this childish crap, BM. Please don't text me again."
Take the high road, Kagers, I kept thinking to myself. Don't antagonize her, and maybe she will direct her rage at someone else. Doesn't she have some other poor sap on the go, sucking him dry for everything he is worth? Why can't she bother him?
"BM: whatever you stupid stripper why don't you go make your self sick to be even thinner."
Ooooh, nice! I thought. She was practically BEGGING me to bring up the fact that she was now being blackballed in Alberta for punching some poor guy out at an important function at the Flames restaurant in Airdrie, because he called her fat. DO IT KAGE! My entire being was screaming at me. DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
I weighed my options. I could hurt her back, and it would be OH so satisfying, but it would open the floodgates and only lead to more "communicating" between us, and considering the level of maturity she had thus displayed, more below-the-belt mud slinging. Or I could be satisfied with knowing that she was already paying for her own stupidity by losing her bookings in Alberta, and the her last comment already proved how much it bothered her that I was getting stronger and leaner every day while she was getting fatter and more bitter by the second. Also, if I bit my tongue, we might be able to go back to that blissful time when I didn't have to hear from her at all.
"Kage: Grow up, BM," I wrote, fighting my the need to hurt her back. "And leave me alone."
And she did. What? Amazing! I thought. Yay, I'm free! (for an undisclosed period of time.) I have to admit, I was surprised that this appeared to be the end, but the relief, the blessed RELIEF of being left the fuck alone was just so great! Suddenly my world was rosy again!
I still managed to have a nap in my car afterwards. Because of all the drama, though, I had to choose between having a nap and going to a meeting. I was exhausted, and knew that I would most likely spend the meeting just fighting to stay awake, so napping won. I settled into the backseat of my car, my head resting on Baby's car seat and her white plush kitty in my arms, and went to sleep.
My alarm woke me in plenty of time to get back into the club for my next show, and when it was done I decided to go home for my next break. M would be there, and I could really use some cuddling and relaxation time with him, so off home I went.
Things were a bit stilted between us, as they always are when BM makes her presence known. She always manages to leave the same feelings of fear, hurt and anxiety in her wake, and this time was no different. Frustrated with the silences that stretched between us, I left M to cook in the kitchen while I went upstairs to start some laundry.
I was in Baby's room, sorting her tiny clothes into piles to wash, when my BBM dinged.
"Noooo," I whimpered, sinking down to my knees and letting Baby's clothes slip from my hands. "Please, no more."
I opened her message with trepidation, then almost dropped the phone in shock. I could not believe what confronted me on the tiny screen.
"BM: I just wanted to say sorry."
Wait, what? WHAT? Huh? Am I reading the wrong message? I stared at the phone uncomprehendingly, until understanding finally dawned. She needed something from me, I realized. I bet you anything. There is simply no fucking way this could be genuine, not from this girl. Not with the anger management issues which, she has clearly displayed on far too many occasions, she has absolutely no control over.
I expressed my confusion in my reply.
"Kage: ? I don't get it."
"BM: You don't get that I am sorry ok."
No, you're not, I thought sadly. You never are. You just want me to do something for you, as usual.
"Kage: For what, today?" I wanted to ask if she was sorry for everything else, like trashing me to anyone who would listen, or telling M's parents that we are both dancers, or for using guilt to manipulate my boyfriend into being her personal bitch, thereby putting a constant strain on our relationship, or for all the times she has told M he could have Baby for a few days, but when he came to pick her up she just made him run errands for her and then refused to give him his daughter, or maybe when she told me the only reason she hasn't "slapped me to the ground" is because Baby loves me so much. Was she sorry for those things, too?
But she was only admitting to today's grievances.
"BM: Ya. And by the way I hate fighting with you but feel like you crossed the line the last time and don't want to hold that against just want you to tell me you know."
Okay, what? Is she serious? This felt like it was straight out of a gangster movie, that I was being offered her forgiveness and returned friendship if only I would kiss her ring and say the words she wanted, that she was right and that I was wrong. Basically, she wanted me to roll over and show her my belly, to cower to her like everyone else does. And though it would make my life SO much easier, I just couldn't do it. The price was just too bloody high. If I caved now and bowed to her, and ultimately put an end to my suffering, I could be free, but I would also be endorsing the behavior that got us to this point in the first place.
She had been punishing me for intervening when she had once again used Baby to guilt M into giving her money, so that she didn't have to work and could stay home to be a full time mom. I intervened and expressed that I thought that her demanding money from M when they shared equal custody was wrong. They shared custody one week on, one week off, and she in fact makes MORE money than M. The issue was simply that she didn't WANT to work anymore, so he should give her money so she didn't have to. I remembering being absolutely floored when M showed up at my work and miserably announced that we would now to be supporting BM financially.
I politely declined (actually, I think my exact words were "there is no fucking WAY that is happening"), and the war was started. M explained that she was mad because I only worked every other week, that it should be SHE who only has to work every other week because she was the mother, and should therefore be staying at home with Baby while M and I worked and supported her. Which to be fair, I could understand if she had full custody of Baby, if M wanted nothing to do with his baby and offered no help at all. But that simply isn't the case, they alternate weeks and have split the responsibilities right down the middle. So why on earth should he give her money? I kept thinking. She makes more money than he does! Why doesn't SHE give HIM financial support, and HE can stay home and take care of the baby? Really, what's the difference? Just because she's a woman?
Regardless, when I dug in my heels and told M that I thought that we should wait for the courts to decide what was right in this situation, BM lost her mind, and declared jihad against me. After a few days of her constant screaming down the line at me, coincidentally while I was home from work watching HER child, she declared that I was no longer allowed to watch Baby, that M would have to find other minders for her child. I found this particularly amusing, since she had also made plenty of use of my free baby-sitting services when things were sunny between us. But all of a sudden, I was no longer good enough to watch her child, just because I had dared to speak out against her. There was nothing I could do about it, though, and on the few occasions where where we had already planned it and there simply was no one else available to watch Baby, the endless screaming phone calls that ensued just weren't worth it. I was going to have to take a break from my sweet little step-daughter.
And so, I decided that if BM was pissed about my only working every other week, and that if I was no longer going to be caring for Baby on my weeks off, I might as well go back to work full time.
So that was the context of our messaging, and why she thought that I had "crossed the line". Basically, she was so pissed when I put the brakes on M giving her any money that she lost her mind, and has been tormenting me ever since. And now, the offer was on the table - she would end my suffering, retract her claws and stop torturing me, but the price I would have to pay was astronomical, and very clear - I would have to go back to the way things were, when I was constantly bending over backwards trying to make her happy, shifting my life and schedule to accommodate her, and always hoping that if I were kind and generous enough, she would stop being so bitter and angry all the time, and we could be friends. What a fool I was.
As I debated how to reply to her, I knew one thing for certain - I couldn't back to that life, even to gain her forgiveness. And anyway, it hadn't worked - I could never give enough, she was never happy - so what would be the point? I would rather live with her hateful vengeance than sell myself out again - living in constant fear that if I didn't do absolutely every little thing she demanded of me, she would take Baby to live in Ontario (where her family is) and we would never see her again; constantly holding my tongue to keep the peace as she manipulated and bullied and abused me; keeping us all running our asses off, trying desperately to keep up with her princess demands and dramas; unable to make any plans for ourselves because she could (and most likely would) call at any moment with a new list of demands, and we'd just have to drop whatever it was that we wanted to do anyway and hop to it. We certainly didn't want to run the risk of upsetting her by not being able to accommodate her every demand the moment she could think of it.
In a quick aside, as I reread what I have just written, I am once again confronted with the reality that everything BM comes into contact with becomes jaded and corrupt and angry and bitter, just like she is. The past few paragraphs serve as proof that, despite my best efforts, I am not exempt from this phenomenon. I am slowly starting to rot from the inside out, turning into the very person that I hate the most - her.
Her ultimate revenge, I suppose.
I tried to respond to her demand for submission in a non-confrontational way, while still holding my own.
"Kage: I think maybe we both went a bit overboard, don't you?"
I was referring her blabbing to bf's parents, etc., while also admitting that perhaps I had overreacted a smidge, just as she had..
She didn't like that, though.
"BM: Ya but when it come to some stuff with M Baby and I I think you cross the line but mabe it's not your doing it is what it is but can't so this anymore."
Um...wha? I wasn't really sure what she was trying to say there, though I thought I could decipher from her rough smattering of words that it was along the same thread as the previous text. I had crossed the line, where was her apology?
"Kage: The thing is, my life is directly connected to M and Baby. I live here too, so those decisions affect me as well as them. I need to be able to express myself in the decisions that pertain to my life and home too."
I waited for her angry reply, but I didn't get one. That was it. There was no agreeing or disagreeing, no ranting or raving, nothing. Just crisp, empty silence, just like I wanted. I breathed a sigh of relief, and wondered anxiously how long it was going to last.
I'll tell you tomorrow how she broke the silence.